After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
