She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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