Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
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