she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
