1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
