why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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