I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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