This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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