No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
