hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
