Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
