apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
