I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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