Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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