I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
