Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I don't deserve a penis
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
