Dual....:-)
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
