Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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