About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
