dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
