I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
