If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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