dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
