So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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