Someone shattered a urinal.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
