if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
operation have a gay friend backfired
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
