I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I just found a bag of teeth...
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
