if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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