Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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