There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
You peed on a flamingo?!?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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