i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
