If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I could make wine with my vomit
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
