rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
