i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Randomize
