Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
