i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
