Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Houston, we have a blender
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
