Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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