i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize