Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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