Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
