Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
