why didn't you poke me back
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
