god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
