waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
being pregnant is like rehab
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
