please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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