Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
