I think I won the penis lottery.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Just invented taco cereal.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
