I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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