dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
