no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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