Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
