Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
My ATM looks so different sober.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
