Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
