my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
