You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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