guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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