I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
