Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize