you have to choose: penises or morals?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
whose ass print is on the piano?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Randomize
