kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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