On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
