She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm like, not good at living.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
