dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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