Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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